Monday, November 17, 2008

He Loves me, he needs a place to crash

Did I mention I suck at relationships? Think I am about to blow another. Joker called last night and I didn’t take the call. I just didn’t feel like talking to him. There was a time when I got all giddy about his calls and I convinced myself I felt better after his call. But since he ditched our holiday plans, by text no less, I’ve been in kind of a mood.

That may be half my problem. When things get tricky I have a tendency to cut and run, or create a reason to. It’s a product of my ex-husband cheating on me I think. I just know, I can’t stand to get hurt again like that. Thus my super protective brick wall!! Sometime just doesn’t feel right. We’ve been dating (if you can call it that) for eight months and yet the relationship seems so impersonal.

Joker just seems so distance and I don’t mean the miles between us, just that he seems removed from us. If they’re even is an us. He will be in town next weekend and I think it will be tough on me. I’m not sure how to feel. The stress of my finances, plus not being comfortable with my weight gain will not help the situation. I hate to say but sometimes I think for him I’m just convenient. Or maybe that’s just the pity talking.

After next weekend I won’t see him again until late January. (He’ll be in Australia, for month and he cancelled our Turkey Day plans). Positive me thinks, fine go, this will give me time to think and concentrate on me. Negative me thinks how come he doesn’t even care that we won’t be together for the New Year. Bad me thinks I should look for date!

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