Monday, January 19, 2009

Are there God- or are you just not that into me?

I hate feeling bad. But it is all I seem to do lately. I feel bad and try to keep myself from falling apart at the seams. Everything is just bad for me. Even worst everyone around me seems to be fine and/or super great. I’m usually happy for other peoples happiness but lately their happiness just makes me wonder why my life is in the crapper.

I started reading this one girls blog about three years ago. Instantly I like her, her writing style, her personality, her have fun party girl life style. You just wanted to be her friend. I did. Anyway after a while her site was done. Later I stumbled upon a new site she was writing on. In the last years she has met a guy got married, moved to a warm place and is about to have a baby! OMG. In the same amount of time I’ve been majorly dumped, moved to a colder place, gone into major debt and question my current relationship on an hourly basis.

Sitting here at my desk at work, I am almost on the verge of tears. How can my life suck so badly. What did I do that I deserve such a crappy life. It’s killing me. Is it too much to ask that I just have a simple normal life? Meet a guy that loves truly and want to be with me always, me live together in a modest home, apartment even. We both work our jobs that make us just enough to pay the bills, save and take one trip a year.

I’m not asking to be a stay at home mom, in a big house and a Lexus. I’m not asking for a fancy job with a three-figure salary. I’m not asking for a Brad Pitt husband. I’m so tired. Tried of wishing, hoping, praying, being alone, and crying. I so tired.

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Warning: Heartbreak Ahead

I survived being home for the holidays, well barely. I was really glad to be getting back home but to what was the question. The answer, nothing. I tried to be optimistic, you know, New Year New Me blah, blah. That lasted until I came across some 2-year-old resolutions that I never kept. How depressing.

I’m in this weird place where I just don’t know how to feel about anything. I want to be mad at my family for the way they have been treating me and the way they have been acting. However, I also feel very sad for them that they are not happy and continue to struggle.

I want to be happy that I am in a relationship but really I am not. Things are not as I would like them to be. I hated celebrating NY alone, I hate not having someone to go places with. But most of all I hate feeling like I have to be prepared for heart break. Keeping the feelings I have under wraps is like pretending my arm doesn’t exist.

Latest stupid thing I did was sending Joker a mixed cd. Not so bad, I’ve already run numerous scenarios on how to make it appear emotional neutral. But then in a moment of pure insanity I included a note that actually said I miss you. So dumb I can’t even believe I put it in writing. He wouldn’t even put it in a text. So far he hasn’t even called.