I am amazed how you never really know people. Or maybe it’s just how little people know about me. This is something that kept going through my head all weekend. I don’t really let people get too close to me. Being hurt numerous times has made me quite the mason.
It is no surprise that my family has no clue about me. They are all so blinded by their own lives they can’t see me. They only see me when they need me and then they only see what it is they need me to do, which is usually tied to furthering their agenda. I’ve been back in this state now for two years none of them have come to visit. They’ve found time to go to Hilton Head, Texas, Atlanta, Florida and even New Jersey. But coming here, now way, they’re too busy, or sick, or tired, there is always an excuse. They don’t even know my address (my sisters letter was returned to her incorrect address). They don’t my friend, or where I work (or even what I do), don’t know I have boyfriend (or his name). Just clueless. I could die tomorrow and they may not even know for a week!
Everybody else, well they only know what I tell them, which isn’t much. Why? Because the more you tell people about yourself the more they have to throw at you when they get ticked. I’m going through a really hard time right now. There is no one who even knows just how bad.
I spent the whole weekend with Joker and friends, talked on the phone with friends and family. None of them know. Just put on the mask that I always hide behind and smiled a lot to make the farce believable. Hey everything’s fine, see me smiling. No one is the wiser. I’ve done this for so long now, I’m not sure if it’s good or bad.
I do wish I had someone to talk to. But I fear they would judge me, or pity me. I don’t need that. They all seem to be happy dealing with the person that they think I am so why change that perception. It’s their own doing. Joker has created this ‘idea’ of me that is way of base. He just assumed things about me and correcting him just hasn’t seemed necessary. Is that such a bad thing?