Antagonize

What is it about the holiday’s that makes people loss their minds? I had been home a not even a whole 24 hours before all hell broke loose. All over a comment I made. Actually it was an observation of how my family has a habit of antagonizing each other. My sister BP accused me of thinking that I was better than everyone. Ohh and then she went on a tirade about how I only blow into town for a week, so I don’t have to deal with what she does.

Um, what? It seriously only proved how little she knows about me and how little she listens. Not surprising as BP has always held the favorite title in the family. That is until recently. Her temporary fall from grace has created a void filled only by the strange excitement over my homecoming.

My answer to the um problem……..Merlot…..lots of it!

A joker and a cat walk into a bar…….

Did I mention that I recently had a ‘moment’ with CC? CC and I went out about5 years ago. When we were together it was good, as CC put it we had chemistry. But then we broke up, sorta. Basically I just decided to leave town and failed to mention it to him. He was not happy the end was not pretty. Being that we have strange magnetic connection we managed to get over being ticked at each other. Quite quickly I might add and for a second I thought we might get back together. But no.

Why? He had a girlfriend that he failed to mention to me. Hmm. He has always said it wasn’t pay back for me hurting him. I let it go so we could be friends. That and I knew him and said ditzy girl would not last. They didn’t and no he is single.

I’m not sure that CC is aware that Joker and I are dating. Heck I wasn’t sure.*

So recently at a gathering of fun loving friends CC started telling me how ‘special’ he thought I was. How he wanted to make a move a while ago but wasn’t sure. I totally remember that and because of Joker I quickly removed myself from the situation. I will always have deep feelings for CC, he saved me and people who do that never leave my radar.

However, if it ever came down to a choice between Joker and CC. Joker would win ever time.

I have a hard time calling Joker my boyfriend or saying that we are dating still. It’s a protective measure. If I never say were dating then there can’t be a break up. If it never starts then there doesn’t have to be and end. And nothing last forever. I’m always waiting to be proven wrong.

Ole School Christmas

So it’s Christmas time and I’ve given into going home for the holidays. I’d really rather not. I’d rather spend a week on the slopes of Colorado with Joker, but since my lottery ticket wasn’t a winner last night (and Joker is out of the country) I’m going home. My mother is paying a fortune for my ticket (since I waited to the last minute), anything to have her baby home. HA.

I’ve been kinda a Scrooge about the holidays. Think I just long for the old school Christmas. When I was little I loved the holidays. There were 8 kids in our family; we had a small house and not a lot of money. But those were some of the best days of my life. My older brothers and sisters would be home from college and mom would cook like she was feeding a brigade. The house was packed with people, so noisy and hotter than blazes with the kitchen appliances running 24/7.

Back then we ate at the table, always. Every year mom would get something to go with her gazillion piece Christmas table setting. We’d have breakfast on those fancy plates with Christmas trees painted on them, the same tree was on the glasses and the gravy boat, butter tray, you get the point. After we ate mom would wash (this was way before we got a dishwasher) everything put it back on the table and then do it all again for dinner. I miss sittin at that table saying grace, passing plates around, people laughing and dishes clinking.

In those days kids didn’t get $300.00 game systems (at least not in my house) you got socks and underwear. We always got a giant peppermint stick, (that inevitably turned into a sticky mess) and the Santa storybook filled with lifesavers, love that! Then you got your one super toy. My favorite was a remote controlled car. I wanted that thing so bad, and got it. I drove that thing till the wheels came off.

I guess it’s not that I hate Christmas now, I just long for the days when it meant more. You know less about stuff and more about being together.

Can't find a better girl

As the year comes to an end and I start making a list of New Years resolutions that I probably won’t keep I need to reflect. First off I haven’t been the best girlfriend. In my defense I am still working through some trust issues. However, I’ve come to realize that Joker deserves better. More than a couple times I’ve made him the bad guy to cover for my own insecurity and lack of motivation. The few times he has dropped the ball I didn’t even say anything.

Going into this next year I will be a better girlfriend. Yes we are dating. This became thoroughly clear this past weekend. Joker came town and I had worked myself into a bitchy frenzy, for no real reason. I told Joker all about Texter (the dude my ‘friend’ has been trying to set me up with, who has been texting me non stop). Joker was not happy, it was really cute though how he stood up for us as a couple. He even took me out shopping. Sweet! Sorry Texter you never really had a chance.

In an effort to be a better girlfriend I’m gonna be working hard to turn things around. I need to be more optimistic, loosing weight will wonders for my mental/physical health, and getting my finances in order will lighten my stress. If I take better care of me, I can take better care with our relationship. Geez, I may actually be looking forward to the New Year. New Year New Me, hopefully.

Seriously

If I didn’t have bad luck I’d have no luck at all. Seriously. So I decide to end my pity party and go to a Christmas party. I mean they did say on the news that happiness was contagious….ha! So here is how my Christmas party weekend went down.

Hop in piece of crap car drive 100 miles to said party. Oh but wait, actually it was only 95 miles because 5 miles before I arrive at my destination the car decides to die. (This wouldn’t be so awful except last year going to this same party my car died.) See bad luck. The silver lining was my friend who helped me out of a bind last week came to my rescue yet again. Love him. He took care of everything like superman. Got the necessary parts, got the car hauled, put gas in and fixed (all while still attending the party). So now not only do I owe him my first born but probably my soul also.

Everyone at the party was very sympathetic which was nice, they are good people. But the whole time I had to keep holding back tears. That whole happiness is contagious research they forgot to mention it’s temporary. I was happy being around my happy friends and I am glad things are going well for them. But in the back of my mind all think was ‘then why is my life so crappy’.

I can barely pay my rent, so many bills, and no food in the house. Meanwhile, everyone else is talking about the cruise they just got back from or the trip to Florida or the big family ski trip coming up. I just smiled, drank more, and blinked back tears. I used to go on the group ski trip, now I can’t afford to think about it. How did things get so bad, what did do to deserve this torture?

Oh wait, it gets better. I came home, car ran like a dream. Parked on the street like normal went in and had my last pack of ramen noodles. Next morning, I got a ticket. My own personal black cloud. Merry flippin Christmas.

Love Boat Captain

My self-imposed hibernation has given me a lot of time to think. I’ve come to the conclusion that Joker and I are not dating. I was temporarily delusional to think so. First off I am in no position to anybodies girlfriend. I have bigger things to deal with; dealing with a needy man is just not in the cards right now.

Second, I met Joker right in the middle of my ‘year without men’ phase. I was weak and quickly abandoned my year goal, pathetic. He came in and charmed the green boa right off me, with no pressure mind you. After the string of crappy guys I had been dealing with he was just refreshing.

Third, if I were ‘available’ to date, Joker does not possess some necessary boyfriend requirements. Let me just say, Joker is cute, witty, easy to talk to and way different from my past beaus. However, it’s always stuck in my mind that he never actually said the words ‘this is my girlfriend or yes we’re dating’. Understand this dating thing I let someone plant in my head after one too many Gin and tonics. My initial plan was that there was no need to establish a ‘relationship’. Just enjoy the weekends we spend together no strings, no complications, no big deal.

Where was I going with this? Oh yeah, there are some things that I require in a boyfriend that Joker do. Like make a big deal about my birthday, call send flowers make some jester. Or being that we live far apart do not cancel my planned visit a) by text and b) without an apology and serious explanation.

In light of all this I conclude we are not dating. We just happen to enjoy each other’s company when we happen to be together. Hence forth if anyone asks I will say ‘no we’re not dating’. How will Joker feel about this? Eh, this is about me deserving more, expecting more and getting more. This is not about him.

My heart hurts

Ok, I don’t know what to feel. Basically I’m just all over the emotional map. See I have been have some financial troubles. It’s been really tough and really stressful. I turned to my family for help and my mom actually just said ‘well it’s tough everywhere.’ My older sister talked in circles and then finally concluded with she could help me….in March!

Against everything that is me, I did something that I never wanted to do, and now that I have I wish I hadn’t. I asked a dear friend to borrow some money. Agh! That pained me so much I was shaking when I made the call. But I truly had no where else to turn.

They thing is he gave zero grief. No run around, asked no questions. He just said ‘how much, sure I’ll send it to you tomorrow.’ Oh I hated to do that. I feel like a complete loser, an irresponsible loser. However, I don’t know what feels worse having to ask for the money, or that a friend stepped up when my family hung me out to dry. It so sucks being me.

Run Gee run

Run Gee Run

I was thinking about fleeing. That’s what I usually do when things get bad. Boy are things bad. But where would I go? Fight or Flight. This time I may have to stay and fight.

The toughest part of this fight will be my inner fight. It is thoroughly clear that I need to make some changes in my life to survive. They will not be easy. Considering how others will see me, treat me and say about me is not an option. That’s what got me in this mess.

66 days of self-imposed solitary may very well be necessary. Of course this will be so very hard. It will be hard to stay focused, because no one will understand. But it is not for them to understand.

Drastic times call for drastic measures!

All Cats go to Heaven

I lost Kurtis this weekend.

He was so very sick and weak. Oh God. I miss him so very much. He was with me for the last eight years, through all the ups and downs. Always waiting for me when I got home, sharing that super big bed, and pouncing on my toes. Kurtis was the only one that loved me no matter what. Now he is gone. I cried for a whole day. Now I am really in this all-alone.

Kurtis was the best kitty ever! He was my first pet, considering how much this has pained me, me may well have been my only pet. Kurtis is now hanging with Dad, that’s cool.

Kurtis I will always love and miss you! You will always be my bestest furry bud! As soon as my eyes stop watering I’m making you the greatest memorial eva! Meow, buddy.

Thanks....for reading.

(early Thanksgiving post)
So even though this are in the financial crapper at this particular moment. I must say there are something’s that I am Thankful for. For instance my friends, what a wonderful bunch of yahoos. They are so much fun to hang out with. When I go out with the crew I feel like part of a community. I look forward every year to our week long summer vacation, it’s always fun, never the same and always hard to put into words. I know if I swallowed my pride they would help out of this mess, but I really hope I never have to.

I’m thankful for Joker. A good man is hard to find, hold on to, deal with and understand. I have to admit he has been very understanding, considering all my hang-ups. We had a great conversation last weekend that calmed my fears. I didn’t even have to say ‘we need to talk’, he just knew. Thank you.

I will be giving Thanks and breaking bread (sorta) with some of the aforementioned friends. MMMHaze is throwing a shindig at her crib following that we will meet up with the usual suspects and give thanks for adult beverages.

Surely I’m not the only one having a tough go of it right now. But like the line in that one movie (so I can’t remember the name) ‘Never give up, Never surrender.’ I hope everyone has something to be thankful for and something to make you smile when your day is long.

Happy Turkey Day

Is this Hell? No it’s my life.

Things and always be worse. I know, that’s why I always say fine when anyone asks how I’m doing. Well I am currently at a point where it’s hard to say fine. Really hard, without breaking into tears. I am broke, very very broke and in debt. Currently I have three dollars to my name. I can’t sleep at night for worrying I am soon be evicted. My car is making a noise that can’t be good. It probably needs an oil change or oil but yeah no cash for that. My cat is sick, maybe on the verge of dying sick. I’d take him to the vet, but I’m broke. The thought of having to put him down creates a huge lump in my throat.

Never thought I would be in this position.

I heard that God would never give you more than you can bear. Well I’m loaded beyond capacity, surely. Last night I stopped praying to win the lottery and started praying just to not wake up. Actually I gave up prayer a while back, as it has not helped at all.

Where do you turn when all hope is lost?

Guess Who

I am amazed how you never really know people. Or maybe it’s just how little people know about me. This is something that kept going through my head all weekend. I don’t really let people get too close to me. Being hurt numerous times has made me quite the mason.

It is no surprise that my family has no clue about me. They are all so blinded by their own lives they can’t see me. They only see me when they need me and then they only see what it is they need me to do, which is usually tied to furthering their agenda. I’ve been back in this state now for two years none of them have come to visit. They’ve found time to go to Hilton Head, Texas, Atlanta, Florida and even New Jersey. But coming here, now way, they’re too busy, or sick, or tired, there is always an excuse. They don’t even know my address (my sisters letter was returned to her incorrect address). They don’t my friend, or where I work (or even what I do), don’t know I have boyfriend (or his name). Just clueless. I could die tomorrow and they may not even know for a week!

Everybody else, well they only know what I tell them, which isn’t much. Why? Because the more you tell people about yourself the more they have to throw at you when they get ticked. I’m going through a really hard time right now. There is no one who even knows just how bad.

I spent the whole weekend with Joker and friends, talked on the phone with friends and family. None of them know. Just put on the mask that I always hide behind and smiled a lot to make the farce believable. Hey everything’s fine, see me smiling. No one is the wiser. I’ve done this for so long now, I’m not sure if it’s good or bad.

I do wish I had someone to talk to. But I fear they would judge me, or pity me. I don’t need that. They all seem to be happy dealing with the person that they think I am so why change that perception. It’s their own doing. Joker has created this ‘idea’ of me that is way of base. He just assumed things about me and correcting him just hasn’t seemed necessary. Is that such a bad thing?

Bah Humbug

I hate this time of year. Thanksgiving is ok, and probably is one of my favorite holidays right after Halloween. I finally made some plans to hang out with friends on Turkey Day, so I’m happy about that.

But after that, it’s all down hill til January 2. All the forced fun and happiness drives me nuts. All the spending of money and gift giving shenanigans. People running and elbowing each other for Black Friday sales. So silly. Please shoot me if I ever say I am getting up at 5am to go shopping!

I mean seriously, Secret Santa is the stupidest thing ever. Let’s buy each other five dollars worth of dollar store gifts and then act surprised when we find out we gave them to each other. Um, let’s not and say we did. Oh, and please don’t even think of inviting me to a Holiday Party if there is no liquor involved.

As far as New Years Eve, well I tend to get all excited, maybe even overly excited. Only to have my great expectations end in a flop. Like the big hotel party I paid a fortune to go to, too many people, so boring. Or the time I went with an old boyfriend, everything was going good fun night, then at midnight the moment of the big kiss. He is nowhere to be found! Seriously everyone’s cheering and sucking face, I’m standing there like a lost puppy. I was not happy. I’ve come to believe it’s easier to just stay home, alone, and watch Rockn Eve.

Big Box

So the bad thing about working retail is not the actual job but the people. Seriously I don’t like people to begin with, basically because most people are just dumb. For instance I work in a big box store, I spend most of my time perfecting ways to avoid people, customers mostly.

Once this lady walked round and round looking at the purses. Then she spots me (I ducked behind the shirt rack a minute to late) and asks;

Purse Lady: ‘Are there any orange purses?’
I hoped that my look said it all but then added;
Me: ‘Those are all the purses we have.’
PL: ‘Do you have any orange ones?’
Me: (giving and exaggerated look,) ‘Those are all the purses we have.’
PL: ‘Do you have any in the back?’
Me: (Seriously) ‘Those are all the purses we have.’
PL: ‘Um, ok.’

That’s totally how it went. I mean what was she truly expecting? ‘Oh yes since you asked me twice and all, we have some special orange ones in the back, that we save just for times like these.’

He Loves me, he needs a place to crash

Did I mention I suck at relationships? Think I am about to blow another. Joker called last night and I didn’t take the call. I just didn’t feel like talking to him. There was a time when I got all giddy about his calls and I convinced myself I felt better after his call. But since he ditched our holiday plans, by text no less, I’ve been in kind of a mood.

That may be half my problem. When things get tricky I have a tendency to cut and run, or create a reason to. It’s a product of my ex-husband cheating on me I think. I just know, I can’t stand to get hurt again like that. Thus my super protective brick wall!! Sometime just doesn’t feel right. We’ve been dating (if you can call it that) for eight months and yet the relationship seems so impersonal.

Joker just seems so distance and I don’t mean the miles between us, just that he seems removed from us. If they’re even is an us. He will be in town next weekend and I think it will be tough on me. I’m not sure how to feel. The stress of my finances, plus not being comfortable with my weight gain will not help the situation. I hate to say but sometimes I think for him I’m just convenient. Or maybe that’s just the pity talking.

After next weekend I won’t see him again until late January. (He’ll be in Australia, for month and he cancelled our Turkey Day plans). Positive me thinks, fine go, this will give me time to think and concentrate on me. Negative me thinks how come he doesn’t even care that we won’t be together for the New Year. Bad me thinks I should look for date!

Homecoming

My mother is at it again. She wants me to move back home. She has been trying to get me to move back since I left 19 years ago. Not gonna happen. Even though all her children live within 5 miles of her, she won’t be content til she gets me there. She has tried everything. She is currently using the guilt ploy again. Won’t work.

I remember like it was yesterday being 17 and counting the days til I’d be out of that town. I would rather live here barely making it check to check then be there. Why you ask? Where do I start the economically shattered town, the complications that my family likes to call their lives, or the fact that they treat me like I’m twelve when I’m there?

It would help her cause if she’d stop saying things like ‘those friends of yours won’t be there when you’re sick and need someone.’ Friends she’s never taken the time to meet by the way. But whatever. That’s hardly my concern. I’ve come to accept the fact that I am in this alone, probably to the bitter end. Ok, I haven’t actually come to terms with it but I’m trying.

Living at home would certainly drive me insane…guaranteed. Sure I’d save some money and pay off some bills. But I would also be so utterly depressed. I am the kind of person who needs her own space; I’ve had enough of living with other people. Recently I even declared the only way I’m having roommate is if I’m sleeping with said roommate. And I’m not itching to do that.

Blame it on the economy...

Being that I am very broke and deep in debt I took on a second job at the end of the summer. I work part time in retail. It ‘s not as bad as the paper delivery job I had last year but it still sucks. Besides the fact that all the people I work with annoy the crap out of me, it’s hard working around all those things I want to buy but can’t afford.

I am emotionally drained and stressed out. There is nobody that I don’t owe. Short of winning the lottery I have no way out. My family won’t help me. They say they can’t but that is so not true. I always thought I could turn to them but now I know that I am really on my own.

Sad to say money would be the answer to all my problems. It’s like my life is a puzzle I have all the pieces and I know where they go but they keep coming apart without money to hold them together. It would just take just one bump of the table and all the pieces would be jumble or even lost.

Men are only as loyal as their options....

Boy was I ticked last night. Thing is not sure I was more ticked at myself or my beau Joker. See I had invited my sister (BP) for Thanksgiving. Of course she backed out with some lame excuse. My family never comes to visit. Why do I try?

So I got a wild hair called Joker and invited myself up to spend Turkey Day with him. We discussed what I should cook and the possibility of going to a concert the night before Turkey Day. I got all excited started printing recipes. Even searched the net for the stuffing he said he once had at Emerils. I have a problem with getting overly excited about things. But this was a big deal for me. I was giving up my usual Turkey Day tradition of being in my home putting up my tree, cooking for me in my jammies, just enjoying the day. All so that I could have Turkey day with him. Besides last weekend he was all ‘I wish you would have come”.

Then I get a text from him……’I forgot that I have the guys from Canada coming that weekend.’ That’s it. No sorry. No oh well come anyway. Heck not even a call. So pissed was I.

I consoled myself with the fact that now I could have my usual turkey day but still. Kinda ticked, so ticked that super Asian supper I was gonna cook for him when he comes to town next week; well whateva!

The back story...

I’m a single female in my -um -30’s, living in a metro Midwestern town. I have a tendency to try and please others by spinning things. I tell people what they want to hear. The truth just sans a few details. Take that first sentence, I say I’m single but, not really, I’m currently in a long distance relationship. He lives in another state, a drivable distance, but sometimes I feel single. I suck at relationships by the way. Actually I just turned 38, but most people think I look about 33. I do, I have good genes. If I could lose about 30 pounds I would look 30 for sure. Been trying to lose those same 30/40 pounds for 10 years. I'm gonna try and make this a ‘no spin zone’ the key word is try. Hopefully removing the mask here will help me in everyday life. One can hope.

Direction with a dash of clarity

So as I read by over previous….um I was thoroughly confused, as you may well be. I suppose at this point it is a good thing that I don’t have any readers, as my writing has been haphazard to say the least. After some thought I think I need to do two things: establish a style and give some clearer background info. As far as style I will begin writing in shorter clips. Who am I kidding I’m not a great writer to begin with and trying to write multiple paragraphs just drains me.

She Lives....

So keepin up with this blog has not been my number one priority. Sorry. Things have been really crazy for me. This really has been the most trying year. Nothing is working out for me. I am sooo broke, it's insane and I'm even working two jobs. Oh yeah and I've gained 10 pounds. Geez.

On the upside I've decided to spend Thanksgiving with my 'beau' Joker. This should be interesting, he doesn't want a Turkey so I caved and said I would make cornish hens. Maybe I should use my engagement chicken recipe! Then again that got me and engagement to Mountain Man that I spent months trying to end, so maybe not.

Tomorrow I'm doing some charity work....if I don't come up with a bailout plan for myself soon I may be needing help the charity that I am helping. No other plans for the weekend, probably end up going out. Maybe I can get somebody to buy my broke butt some drinks....