Monday, December 29, 2008


What is it about the holiday’s that makes people loss their minds? I had been home a not even a whole 24 hours before all hell broke loose. All over a comment I made. Actually it was an observation of how my family has a habit of antagonizing each other. My sister BP accused me of thinking that I was better than everyone. Ohh and then she went on a tirade about how I only blow into town for a week, so I don’t have to deal with what she does.

Um, what? It seriously only proved how little she knows about me and how little she listens. Not surprising as BP has always held the favorite title in the family. That is until recently. Her temporary fall from grace has created a void filled only by the strange excitement over my homecoming.

My answer to the um problem……..Merlot…..lots of it!

A joker and a cat walk into a bar…….

Did I mention that I recently had a ‘moment’ with CC? CC and I went out about5 years ago. When we were together it was good, as CC put it we had chemistry. But then we broke up, sorta. Basically I just decided to leave town and failed to mention it to him. He was not happy the end was not pretty. Being that we have strange magnetic connection we managed to get over being ticked at each other. Quite quickly I might add and for a second I thought we might get back together. But no.

Why? He had a girlfriend that he failed to mention to me. Hmm. He has always said it wasn’t pay back for me hurting him. I let it go so we could be friends. That and I knew him and said ditzy girl would not last. They didn’t and no he is single.

I’m not sure that CC is aware that Joker and I are dating. Heck I wasn’t sure.*

So recently at a gathering of fun loving friends CC started telling me how ‘special’ he thought I was. How he wanted to make a move a while ago but wasn’t sure. I totally remember that and because of Joker I quickly removed myself from the situation. I will always have deep feelings for CC, he saved me and people who do that never leave my radar.

However, if it ever came down to a choice between Joker and CC. Joker would win ever time.

I have a hard time calling Joker my boyfriend or saying that we are dating still. It’s a protective measure. If I never say were dating then there can’t be a break up. If it never starts then there doesn’t have to be and end. And nothing last forever. I’m always waiting to be proven wrong.

Thursday, December 18, 2008

Ole School Christmas

So it’s Christmas time and I’ve given into going home for the holidays. I’d really rather not. I’d rather spend a week on the slopes of Colorado with Joker, but since my lottery ticket wasn’t a winner last night (and Joker is out of the country) I’m going home. My mother is paying a fortune for my ticket (since I waited to the last minute), anything to have her baby home. HA.

I’ve been kinda a Scrooge about the holidays. Think I just long for the old school Christmas. When I was little I loved the holidays. There were 8 kids in our family; we had a small house and not a lot of money. But those were some of the best days of my life. My older brothers and sisters would be home from college and mom would cook like she was feeding a brigade. The house was packed with people, so noisy and hotter than blazes with the kitchen appliances running 24/7.

Back then we ate at the table, always. Every year mom would get something to go with her gazillion piece Christmas table setting. We’d have breakfast on those fancy plates with Christmas trees painted on them, the same tree was on the glasses and the gravy boat, butter tray, you get the point. After we ate mom would wash (this was way before we got a dishwasher) everything put it back on the table and then do it all again for dinner. I miss sittin at that table saying grace, passing plates around, people laughing and dishes clinking.

In those days kids didn’t get $300.00 game systems (at least not in my house) you got socks and underwear. We always got a giant peppermint stick, (that inevitably turned into a sticky mess) and the Santa storybook filled with lifesavers, love that! Then you got your one super toy. My favorite was a remote controlled car. I wanted that thing so bad, and got it. I drove that thing till the wheels came off.

I guess it’s not that I hate Christmas now, I just long for the days when it meant more. You know less about stuff and more about being together.

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Can't find a better girl

As the year comes to an end and I start making a list of New Years resolutions that I probably won’t keep I need to reflect. First off I haven’t been the best girlfriend. In my defense I am still working through some trust issues. However, I’ve come to realize that Joker deserves better. More than a couple times I’ve made him the bad guy to cover for my own insecurity and lack of motivation. The few times he has dropped the ball I didn’t even say anything.

Going into this next year I will be a better girlfriend. Yes we are dating. This became thoroughly clear this past weekend. Joker came town and I had worked myself into a bitchy frenzy, for no real reason. I told Joker all about Texter (the dude my ‘friend’ has been trying to set me up with, who has been texting me non stop). Joker was not happy, it was really cute though how he stood up for us as a couple. He even took me out shopping. Sweet! Sorry Texter you never really had a chance.

In an effort to be a better girlfriend I’m gonna be working hard to turn things around. I need to be more optimistic, loosing weight will wonders for my mental/physical health, and getting my finances in order will lighten my stress. If I take better care of me, I can take better care with our relationship. Geez, I may actually be looking forward to the New Year. New Year New Me, hopefully.

Tuesday, December 9, 2008


If I didn’t have bad luck I’d have no luck at all. Seriously. So I decide to end my pity party and go to a Christmas party. I mean they did say on the news that happiness was contagious….ha! So here is how my Christmas party weekend went down.

Hop in piece of crap car drive 100 miles to said party. Oh but wait, actually it was only 95 miles because 5 miles before I arrive at my destination the car decides to die. (This wouldn’t be so awful except last year going to this same party my car died.) See bad luck. The silver lining was my friend who helped me out of a bind last week came to my rescue yet again. Love him. He took care of everything like superman. Got the necessary parts, got the car hauled, put gas in and fixed (all while still attending the party). So now not only do I owe him my first born but probably my soul also.

Everyone at the party was very sympathetic which was nice, they are good people. But the whole time I had to keep holding back tears. That whole happiness is contagious research they forgot to mention it’s temporary. I was happy being around my happy friends and I am glad things are going well for them. But in the back of my mind all think was ‘then why is my life so crappy’.

I can barely pay my rent, so many bills, and no food in the house. Meanwhile, everyone else is talking about the cruise they just got back from or the trip to Florida or the big family ski trip coming up. I just smiled, drank more, and blinked back tears. I used to go on the group ski trip, now I can’t afford to think about it. How did things get so bad, what did do to deserve this torture?

Oh wait, it gets better. I came home, car ran like a dream. Parked on the street like normal went in and had my last pack of ramen noodles. Next morning, I got a ticket. My own personal black cloud. Merry flippin Christmas.

Thursday, December 4, 2008

Love Boat Captain

My self-imposed hibernation has given me a lot of time to think. I’ve come to the conclusion that Joker and I are not dating. I was temporarily delusional to think so. First off I am in no position to anybodies girlfriend. I have bigger things to deal with; dealing with a needy man is just not in the cards right now.

Second, I met Joker right in the middle of my ‘year without men’ phase. I was weak and quickly abandoned my year goal, pathetic. He came in and charmed the green boa right off me, with no pressure mind you. After the string of crappy guys I had been dealing with he was just refreshing.

Third, if I were ‘available’ to date, Joker does not possess some necessary boyfriend requirements. Let me just say, Joker is cute, witty, easy to talk to and way different from my past beaus. However, it’s always stuck in my mind that he never actually said the words ‘this is my girlfriend or yes we’re dating’. Understand this dating thing I let someone plant in my head after one too many Gin and tonics. My initial plan was that there was no need to establish a ‘relationship’. Just enjoy the weekends we spend together no strings, no complications, no big deal.

Where was I going with this? Oh yeah, there are some things that I require in a boyfriend that Joker do. Like make a big deal about my birthday, call send flowers make some jester. Or being that we live far apart do not cancel my planned visit a) by text and b) without an apology and serious explanation.

In light of all this I conclude we are not dating. We just happen to enjoy each other’s company when we happen to be together. Hence forth if anyone asks I will say ‘no we’re not dating’. How will Joker feel about this? Eh, this is about me deserving more, expecting more and getting more. This is not about him.

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

My heart hurts

Ok, I don’t know what to feel. Basically I’m just all over the emotional map. See I have been have some financial troubles. It’s been really tough and really stressful. I turned to my family for help and my mom actually just said ‘well it’s tough everywhere.’ My older sister talked in circles and then finally concluded with she could help me….in March!

Against everything that is me, I did something that I never wanted to do, and now that I have I wish I hadn’t. I asked a dear friend to borrow some money. Agh! That pained me so much I was shaking when I made the call. But I truly had no where else to turn.

They thing is he gave zero grief. No run around, asked no questions. He just said ‘how much, sure I’ll send it to you tomorrow.’ Oh I hated to do that. I feel like a complete loser, an irresponsible loser. However, I don’t know what feels worse having to ask for the money, or that a friend stepped up when my family hung me out to dry. It so sucks being me.

Run Gee run

Run Gee Run

I was thinking about fleeing. That’s what I usually do when things get bad. Boy are things bad. But where would I go? Fight or Flight. This time I may have to stay and fight.

The toughest part of this fight will be my inner fight. It is thoroughly clear that I need to make some changes in my life to survive. They will not be easy. Considering how others will see me, treat me and say about me is not an option. That’s what got me in this mess.

66 days of self-imposed solitary may very well be necessary. Of course this will be so very hard. It will be hard to stay focused, because no one will understand. But it is not for them to understand.

Drastic times call for drastic measures!

Monday, December 1, 2008

All Cats go to Heaven

I lost Kurtis this weekend.

He was so very sick and weak. Oh God. I miss him so very much. He was with me for the last eight years, through all the ups and downs. Always waiting for me when I got home, sharing that super big bed, and pouncing on my toes. Kurtis was the only one that loved me no matter what. Now he is gone. I cried for a whole day. Now I am really in this all-alone.

Kurtis was the best kitty ever! He was my first pet, considering how much this has pained me, me may well have been my only pet. Kurtis is now hanging with Dad, that’s cool.

Kurtis I will always love and miss you! You will always be my bestest furry bud! As soon as my eyes stop watering I’m making you the greatest memorial eva! Meow, buddy.