I survived being home for the holidays, well barely. I was really glad to be getting back home but to what was the question. The answer, nothing. I tried to be optimistic, you know, New Year New Me blah, blah. That lasted until I came across some 2-year-old resolutions that I never kept. How depressing.
I’m in this weird place where I just don’t know how to feel about anything. I want to be mad at my family for the way they have been treating me and the way they have been acting. However, I also feel very sad for them that they are not happy and continue to struggle.
I want to be happy that I am in a relationship but really I am not. Things are not as I would like them to be. I hated celebrating NY alone, I hate not having someone to go places with. But most of all I hate feeling like I have to be prepared for heart break. Keeping the feelings I have under wraps is like pretending my arm doesn’t exist.
Latest stupid thing I did was sending Joker a mixed cd. Not so bad, I’ve already run numerous scenarios on how to make it appear emotional neutral. But then in a moment of pure insanity I included a note that actually said I miss you. So dumb I can’t even believe I put it in writing. He wouldn’t even put it in a text. So far he hasn’t even called.