My self-imposed hibernation has given me a lot of time to think. I’ve come to the conclusion that Joker and I are not dating. I was temporarily delusional to think so. First off I am in no position to anybodies girlfriend. I have bigger things to deal with; dealing with a needy man is just not in the cards right now.
Second, I met Joker right in the middle of my ‘year without men’ phase. I was weak and quickly abandoned my year goal, pathetic. He came in and charmed the green boa right off me, with no pressure mind you. After the string of crappy guys I had been dealing with he was just refreshing.
Third, if I were ‘available’ to date, Joker does not possess some necessary boyfriend requirements. Let me just say, Joker is cute, witty, easy to talk to and way different from my past beaus. However, it’s always stuck in my mind that he never actually said the words ‘this is my girlfriend or yes we’re dating’. Understand this dating thing I let someone plant in my head after one too many Gin and tonics. My initial plan was that there was no need to establish a ‘relationship’. Just enjoy the weekends we spend together no strings, no complications, no big deal.
Where was I going with this? Oh yeah, there are some things that I require in a boyfriend that Joker do. Like make a big deal about my birthday, call send flowers make some jester. Or being that we live far apart do not cancel my planned visit a) by text and b) without an apology and serious explanation.
In light of all this I conclude we are not dating. We just happen to enjoy each other’s company when we happen to be together. Hence forth if anyone asks I will say ‘no we’re not dating’. How will Joker feel about this? Eh, this is about me deserving more, expecting more and getting more. This is not about him.
Thursday, December 4, 2008
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
My heart hurts
Ok, I don’t know what to feel. Basically I’m just all over the emotional map. See I have been have some financial troubles. It’s been really tough and really stressful. I turned to my family for help and my mom actually just said ‘well it’s tough everywhere.’ My older sister talked in circles and then finally concluded with she could help me….in March!
Against everything that is me, I did something that I never wanted to do, and now that I have I wish I hadn’t. I asked a dear friend to borrow some money. Agh! That pained me so much I was shaking when I made the call. But I truly had no where else to turn.
They thing is he gave zero grief. No run around, asked no questions. He just said ‘how much, sure I’ll send it to you tomorrow.’ Oh I hated to do that. I feel like a complete loser, an irresponsible loser. However, I don’t know what feels worse having to ask for the money, or that a friend stepped up when my family hung me out to dry. It so sucks being me.
Against everything that is me, I did something that I never wanted to do, and now that I have I wish I hadn’t. I asked a dear friend to borrow some money. Agh! That pained me so much I was shaking when I made the call. But I truly had no where else to turn.
They thing is he gave zero grief. No run around, asked no questions. He just said ‘how much, sure I’ll send it to you tomorrow.’ Oh I hated to do that. I feel like a complete loser, an irresponsible loser. However, I don’t know what feels worse having to ask for the money, or that a friend stepped up when my family hung me out to dry. It so sucks being me.
Run Gee run
Run Gee Run
I was thinking about fleeing. That’s what I usually do when things get bad. Boy are things bad. But where would I go? Fight or Flight. This time I may have to stay and fight.
The toughest part of this fight will be my inner fight. It is thoroughly clear that I need to make some changes in my life to survive. They will not be easy. Considering how others will see me, treat me and say about me is not an option. That’s what got me in this mess.
66 days of self-imposed solitary may very well be necessary. Of course this will be so very hard. It will be hard to stay focused, because no one will understand. But it is not for them to understand.
Drastic times call for drastic measures!
I was thinking about fleeing. That’s what I usually do when things get bad. Boy are things bad. But where would I go? Fight or Flight. This time I may have to stay and fight.
The toughest part of this fight will be my inner fight. It is thoroughly clear that I need to make some changes in my life to survive. They will not be easy. Considering how others will see me, treat me and say about me is not an option. That’s what got me in this mess.
66 days of self-imposed solitary may very well be necessary. Of course this will be so very hard. It will be hard to stay focused, because no one will understand. But it is not for them to understand.
Drastic times call for drastic measures!
Monday, December 1, 2008
All Cats go to Heaven
I lost Kurtis this weekend.
He was so very sick and weak. Oh God. I miss him so very much. He was with me for the last eight years, through all the ups and downs. Always waiting for me when I got home, sharing that super big bed, and pouncing on my toes. Kurtis was the only one that loved me no matter what. Now he is gone. I cried for a whole day. Now I am really in this all-alone.
Kurtis was the best kitty ever! He was my first pet, considering how much this has pained me, me may well have been my only pet. Kurtis is now hanging with Dad, that’s cool.
Kurtis I will always love and miss you! You will always be my bestest furry bud! As soon as my eyes stop watering I’m making you the greatest memorial eva! Meow, buddy.
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
Thanks....for reading.
(early Thanksgiving post)
So even though this are in the financial crapper at this particular moment. I must say there are something’s that I am Thankful for. For instance my friends, what a wonderful bunch of yahoos. They are so much fun to hang out with. When I go out with the crew I feel like part of a community. I look forward every year to our week long summer vacation, it’s always fun, never the same and always hard to put into words. I know if I swallowed my pride they would help out of this mess, but I really hope I never have to.
I’m thankful for Joker. A good man is hard to find, hold on to, deal with and understand. I have to admit he has been very understanding, considering all my hang-ups. We had a great conversation last weekend that calmed my fears. I didn’t even have to say ‘we need to talk’, he just knew. Thank you.
I will be giving Thanks and breaking bread (sorta) with some of the aforementioned friends. MMMHaze is throwing a shindig at her crib following that we will meet up with the usual suspects and give thanks for adult beverages.
Surely I’m not the only one having a tough go of it right now. But like the line in that one movie (so I can’t remember the name) ‘Never give up, Never surrender.’ I hope everyone has something to be thankful for and something to make you smile when your day is long.
Happy Turkey Day
So even though this are in the financial crapper at this particular moment. I must say there are something’s that I am Thankful for. For instance my friends, what a wonderful bunch of yahoos. They are so much fun to hang out with. When I go out with the crew I feel like part of a community. I look forward every year to our week long summer vacation, it’s always fun, never the same and always hard to put into words. I know if I swallowed my pride they would help out of this mess, but I really hope I never have to.
I’m thankful for Joker. A good man is hard to find, hold on to, deal with and understand. I have to admit he has been very understanding, considering all my hang-ups. We had a great conversation last weekend that calmed my fears. I didn’t even have to say ‘we need to talk’, he just knew. Thank you.
I will be giving Thanks and breaking bread (sorta) with some of the aforementioned friends. MMMHaze is throwing a shindig at her crib following that we will meet up with the usual suspects and give thanks for adult beverages.
Surely I’m not the only one having a tough go of it right now. But like the line in that one movie (so I can’t remember the name) ‘Never give up, Never surrender.’ I hope everyone has something to be thankful for and something to make you smile when your day is long.
Happy Turkey Day
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
Is this Hell? No it’s my life.
Things and always be worse. I know, that’s why I always say fine when anyone asks how I’m doing. Well I am currently at a point where it’s hard to say fine. Really hard, without breaking into tears. I am broke, very very broke and in debt. Currently I have three dollars to my name. I can’t sleep at night for worrying I am soon be evicted. My car is making a noise that can’t be good. It probably needs an oil change or oil but yeah no cash for that. My cat is sick, maybe on the verge of dying sick. I’d take him to the vet, but I’m broke. The thought of having to put him down creates a huge lump in my throat.
Never thought I would be in this position.
I heard that God would never give you more than you can bear. Well I’m loaded beyond capacity, surely. Last night I stopped praying to win the lottery and started praying just to not wake up. Actually I gave up prayer a while back, as it has not helped at all.
Where do you turn when all hope is lost?
Never thought I would be in this position.
I heard that God would never give you more than you can bear. Well I’m loaded beyond capacity, surely. Last night I stopped praying to win the lottery and started praying just to not wake up. Actually I gave up prayer a while back, as it has not helped at all.
Where do you turn when all hope is lost?
Guess Who
I am amazed how you never really know people. Or maybe it’s just how little people know about me. This is something that kept going through my head all weekend. I don’t really let people get too close to me. Being hurt numerous times has made me quite the mason.
It is no surprise that my family has no clue about me. They are all so blinded by their own lives they can’t see me. They only see me when they need me and then they only see what it is they need me to do, which is usually tied to furthering their agenda. I’ve been back in this state now for two years none of them have come to visit. They’ve found time to go to Hilton Head, Texas, Atlanta, Florida and even New Jersey. But coming here, now way, they’re too busy, or sick, or tired, there is always an excuse. They don’t even know my address (my sisters letter was returned to her incorrect address). They don’t my friend, or where I work (or even what I do), don’t know I have boyfriend (or his name). Just clueless. I could die tomorrow and they may not even know for a week!
Everybody else, well they only know what I tell them, which isn’t much. Why? Because the more you tell people about yourself the more they have to throw at you when they get ticked. I’m going through a really hard time right now. There is no one who even knows just how bad.
I spent the whole weekend with Joker and friends, talked on the phone with friends and family. None of them know. Just put on the mask that I always hide behind and smiled a lot to make the farce believable. Hey everything’s fine, see me smiling. No one is the wiser. I’ve done this for so long now, I’m not sure if it’s good or bad.
I do wish I had someone to talk to. But I fear they would judge me, or pity me. I don’t need that. They all seem to be happy dealing with the person that they think I am so why change that perception. It’s their own doing. Joker has created this ‘idea’ of me that is way of base. He just assumed things about me and correcting him just hasn’t seemed necessary. Is that such a bad thing?
It is no surprise that my family has no clue about me. They are all so blinded by their own lives they can’t see me. They only see me when they need me and then they only see what it is they need me to do, which is usually tied to furthering their agenda. I’ve been back in this state now for two years none of them have come to visit. They’ve found time to go to Hilton Head, Texas, Atlanta, Florida and even New Jersey. But coming here, now way, they’re too busy, or sick, or tired, there is always an excuse. They don’t even know my address (my sisters letter was returned to her incorrect address). They don’t my friend, or where I work (or even what I do), don’t know I have boyfriend (or his name). Just clueless. I could die tomorrow and they may not even know for a week!
Everybody else, well they only know what I tell them, which isn’t much. Why? Because the more you tell people about yourself the more they have to throw at you when they get ticked. I’m going through a really hard time right now. There is no one who even knows just how bad.
I spent the whole weekend with Joker and friends, talked on the phone with friends and family. None of them know. Just put on the mask that I always hide behind and smiled a lot to make the farce believable. Hey everything’s fine, see me smiling. No one is the wiser. I’ve done this for so long now, I’m not sure if it’s good or bad.
I do wish I had someone to talk to. But I fear they would judge me, or pity me. I don’t need that. They all seem to be happy dealing with the person that they think I am so why change that perception. It’s their own doing. Joker has created this ‘idea’ of me that is way of base. He just assumed things about me and correcting him just hasn’t seemed necessary. Is that such a bad thing?
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