Are there God- or are you just not that into me?

I hate feeling bad. But it is all I seem to do lately. I feel bad and try to keep myself from falling apart at the seams. Everything is just bad for me. Even worst everyone around me seems to be fine and/or super great. I’m usually happy for other peoples happiness but lately their happiness just makes me wonder why my life is in the crapper.

I started reading this one girls blog about three years ago. Instantly I like her, her writing style, her personality, her have fun party girl life style. You just wanted to be her friend. I did. Anyway after a while her site was done. Later I stumbled upon a new site she was writing on. In the last years she has met a guy got married, moved to a warm place and is about to have a baby! OMG. In the same amount of time I’ve been majorly dumped, moved to a colder place, gone into major debt and question my current relationship on an hourly basis.

Sitting here at my desk at work, I am almost on the verge of tears. How can my life suck so badly. What did I do that I deserve such a crappy life. It’s killing me. Is it too much to ask that I just have a simple normal life? Meet a guy that loves truly and want to be with me always, me live together in a modest home, apartment even. We both work our jobs that make us just enough to pay the bills, save and take one trip a year.

I’m not asking to be a stay at home mom, in a big house and a Lexus. I’m not asking for a fancy job with a three-figure salary. I’m not asking for a Brad Pitt husband. I’m so tired. Tried of wishing, hoping, praying, being alone, and crying. I so tired.

Warning: Heartbreak Ahead

I survived being home for the holidays, well barely. I was really glad to be getting back home but to what was the question. The answer, nothing. I tried to be optimistic, you know, New Year New Me blah, blah. That lasted until I came across some 2-year-old resolutions that I never kept. How depressing.

I’m in this weird place where I just don’t know how to feel about anything. I want to be mad at my family for the way they have been treating me and the way they have been acting. However, I also feel very sad for them that they are not happy and continue to struggle.

I want to be happy that I am in a relationship but really I am not. Things are not as I would like them to be. I hated celebrating NY alone, I hate not having someone to go places with. But most of all I hate feeling like I have to be prepared for heart break. Keeping the feelings I have under wraps is like pretending my arm doesn’t exist.

Latest stupid thing I did was sending Joker a mixed cd. Not so bad, I’ve already run numerous scenarios on how to make it appear emotional neutral. But then in a moment of pure insanity I included a note that actually said I miss you. So dumb I can’t even believe I put it in writing. He wouldn’t even put it in a text. So far he hasn’t even called.

Antagonize

What is it about the holiday’s that makes people loss their minds? I had been home a not even a whole 24 hours before all hell broke loose. All over a comment I made. Actually it was an observation of how my family has a habit of antagonizing each other. My sister BP accused me of thinking that I was better than everyone. Ohh and then she went on a tirade about how I only blow into town for a week, so I don’t have to deal with what she does.

Um, what? It seriously only proved how little she knows about me and how little she listens. Not surprising as BP has always held the favorite title in the family. That is until recently. Her temporary fall from grace has created a void filled only by the strange excitement over my homecoming.

My answer to the um problem……..Merlot…..lots of it!

A joker and a cat walk into a bar…….

Did I mention that I recently had a ‘moment’ with CC? CC and I went out about5 years ago. When we were together it was good, as CC put it we had chemistry. But then we broke up, sorta. Basically I just decided to leave town and failed to mention it to him. He was not happy the end was not pretty. Being that we have strange magnetic connection we managed to get over being ticked at each other. Quite quickly I might add and for a second I thought we might get back together. But no.

Why? He had a girlfriend that he failed to mention to me. Hmm. He has always said it wasn’t pay back for me hurting him. I let it go so we could be friends. That and I knew him and said ditzy girl would not last. They didn’t and no he is single.

I’m not sure that CC is aware that Joker and I are dating. Heck I wasn’t sure.*

So recently at a gathering of fun loving friends CC started telling me how ‘special’ he thought I was. How he wanted to make a move a while ago but wasn’t sure. I totally remember that and because of Joker I quickly removed myself from the situation. I will always have deep feelings for CC, he saved me and people who do that never leave my radar.

However, if it ever came down to a choice between Joker and CC. Joker would win ever time.

I have a hard time calling Joker my boyfriend or saying that we are dating still. It’s a protective measure. If I never say were dating then there can’t be a break up. If it never starts then there doesn’t have to be and end. And nothing last forever. I’m always waiting to be proven wrong.

Ole School Christmas

So it’s Christmas time and I’ve given into going home for the holidays. I’d really rather not. I’d rather spend a week on the slopes of Colorado with Joker, but since my lottery ticket wasn’t a winner last night (and Joker is out of the country) I’m going home. My mother is paying a fortune for my ticket (since I waited to the last minute), anything to have her baby home. HA.

I’ve been kinda a Scrooge about the holidays. Think I just long for the old school Christmas. When I was little I loved the holidays. There were 8 kids in our family; we had a small house and not a lot of money. But those were some of the best days of my life. My older brothers and sisters would be home from college and mom would cook like she was feeding a brigade. The house was packed with people, so noisy and hotter than blazes with the kitchen appliances running 24/7.

Back then we ate at the table, always. Every year mom would get something to go with her gazillion piece Christmas table setting. We’d have breakfast on those fancy plates with Christmas trees painted on them, the same tree was on the glasses and the gravy boat, butter tray, you get the point. After we ate mom would wash (this was way before we got a dishwasher) everything put it back on the table and then do it all again for dinner. I miss sittin at that table saying grace, passing plates around, people laughing and dishes clinking.

In those days kids didn’t get $300.00 game systems (at least not in my house) you got socks and underwear. We always got a giant peppermint stick, (that inevitably turned into a sticky mess) and the Santa storybook filled with lifesavers, love that! Then you got your one super toy. My favorite was a remote controlled car. I wanted that thing so bad, and got it. I drove that thing till the wheels came off.

I guess it’s not that I hate Christmas now, I just long for the days when it meant more. You know less about stuff and more about being together.

Can't find a better girl

As the year comes to an end and I start making a list of New Years resolutions that I probably won’t keep I need to reflect. First off I haven’t been the best girlfriend. In my defense I am still working through some trust issues. However, I’ve come to realize that Joker deserves better. More than a couple times I’ve made him the bad guy to cover for my own insecurity and lack of motivation. The few times he has dropped the ball I didn’t even say anything.

Going into this next year I will be a better girlfriend. Yes we are dating. This became thoroughly clear this past weekend. Joker came town and I had worked myself into a bitchy frenzy, for no real reason. I told Joker all about Texter (the dude my ‘friend’ has been trying to set me up with, who has been texting me non stop). Joker was not happy, it was really cute though how he stood up for us as a couple. He even took me out shopping. Sweet! Sorry Texter you never really had a chance.

In an effort to be a better girlfriend I’m gonna be working hard to turn things around. I need to be more optimistic, loosing weight will wonders for my mental/physical health, and getting my finances in order will lighten my stress. If I take better care of me, I can take better care with our relationship. Geez, I may actually be looking forward to the New Year. New Year New Me, hopefully.

Seriously

If I didn’t have bad luck I’d have no luck at all. Seriously. So I decide to end my pity party and go to a Christmas party. I mean they did say on the news that happiness was contagious….ha! So here is how my Christmas party weekend went down.

Hop in piece of crap car drive 100 miles to said party. Oh but wait, actually it was only 95 miles because 5 miles before I arrive at my destination the car decides to die. (This wouldn’t be so awful except last year going to this same party my car died.) See bad luck. The silver lining was my friend who helped me out of a bind last week came to my rescue yet again. Love him. He took care of everything like superman. Got the necessary parts, got the car hauled, put gas in and fixed (all while still attending the party). So now not only do I owe him my first born but probably my soul also.

Everyone at the party was very sympathetic which was nice, they are good people. But the whole time I had to keep holding back tears. That whole happiness is contagious research they forgot to mention it’s temporary. I was happy being around my happy friends and I am glad things are going well for them. But in the back of my mind all think was ‘then why is my life so crappy’.

I can barely pay my rent, so many bills, and no food in the house. Meanwhile, everyone else is talking about the cruise they just got back from or the trip to Florida or the big family ski trip coming up. I just smiled, drank more, and blinked back tears. I used to go on the group ski trip, now I can’t afford to think about it. How did things get so bad, what did do to deserve this torture?

Oh wait, it gets better. I came home, car ran like a dream. Parked on the street like normal went in and had my last pack of ramen noodles. Next morning, I got a ticket. My own personal black cloud. Merry flippin Christmas.